For years, Nick Harris and I walked the sharp edge of sharing sexual desires without entangling our hearts.
We maintained clear limits, until one seductive evening erased the boundaries between us. In that moment, we were free, anchored in the bliss of loving one another.  

The next day, he dismissed our beautiful night as a mistake. I held the memories of Nick’s deep passion close, while he seemed to forget everything we shared.

When I received a devastating cancer diagnosis, I broke the tenuous bond we held when I left to seek treatment without telling him. I longed for Nick, but feared his rejection. . . I abandoned the man I loved without explanation or consideration.

I didn’t know he waited for me in a fog of grief and anger. It never occurred to me that we were locked in the same twisted reality of yearning for someone who was not there. 

I only know that in this moment, he cannot see past the image before him: his best friend and me, bound in an intimate moment. 

In the wake of his untethered fury, I can feel the magnitude of his pain. 

And I want all of it. 

I only hope he can forgive me.